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Why Sarge’s Shotgun Is the Real MVP of Blood Gulch

Let’s be real: Sarge’s shotgun isn’t just a weapon—it’s a lifestyle. In the dusty hellscape of Blood...

Tucker’s Bow Chicka Bow Wow: The Pickup Line That Never Lands

Tucker’s got one move, and it’s “Bow Chicka Bow Wow.” This guy’s been stuck in Blood Gulch so long,...

Caboose: The Human Equivalent of a Glitchy A.I.

Caboose is a walking, talking error code in human form. This guy’s so dumb, he makes Grif look like...

Grif’s Guide to Surviving Blood Gulch: Do Nothing, Win Everything

Grif’s the ultimate slacker, and honestly, he’s winning at life in Blood Gulch. While Sarge is screa...

Church: The Angriest Ghost in the Halo Universe

Church is mad. Like, all the time. Whether he’s a human, an A.I., or a ghost haunting a robot body,...

Simmons: The Nerd Who’d Die for a Gold Star

Simmons is the guy who peaked in high school as the teacher’s pet and brought that energy to Blood G...

Tex: The Badass Who Makes Everyone Else Look Like Losers

Tex rolls into Blood Gulch like a hurricane in black armor, and suddenly everyone else looks like th...

Donut’s Pink Armor: The Real Threat to Masculinity

Donut shows up in lightish-red—sorry, pink—armor, and suddenly the Reds have a crisis on their hands...

Lopez: The Robot Who’s Done With Everyone’s Nonsense

Lopez the Heavy is the unsung hero of Blood Gulch, and by “hero,” I mean “guy who’s stuck fixing eve...

The Warthog: Blood Gulch’s Most Abused Celebrity

The Warthog isn’t just a vehicle—it’s the real star of Blood Gulch. This poor jeep’s been flipped, c...