Author: Laurence Dooley
Church is mad. Like, all the time. Whether he’s a human, an A.I., or a ghost haunting a robot body, this guy’s got a chip on his shoulder bigger than Blood Gulch itself. He’s stuck leading the Blues—a team that includes Caboose, who keeps killing him—and you can hear the exhaustion in every sarcastic word he spits out.
What’s hilarious is how he keeps coming back, angrier each time. Shot by a tank? Back as a ghost. Betrayed by his own team? Back as an A.I. fragment. Church is the universe’s punching bag, and he’s not about to let you forget it. His rants are the soundtrack of Blood Gulch—half genius, half whining, all gold.
My favorite Church meltdown? When he realizes he’s been arguing with himself in a time loop. Only Church could be his own worst enemy—literally—and still make it funny. He’s the grumpy cat of Halo, and we love him for it.