Author: Maryjane Willms
Tucker’s got one move, and it’s “Bow Chicka Bow Wow.” This guy’s been stuck in Blood Gulch so long, he’s convinced that line’s gonna get him somewhere—anywhere—with the ladies. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t. Whether he’s hitting on Tex (who’d rather punch him) or his own alien baby (gross, dude), Tucker’s optimism is as unbreakable as it is delusional.
The best part? He delivers it with the confidence of a guy who’s never heard “no” before, despite hearing it every single time. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion—horrible, but you can’t look away. You almost want to root for him, until you remember he’s wearing teal armor and smells like desperation and alien goo.
There’s that one time he tried it on Caboose, and even that lovable idiot was like, “Uh, no thanks.” Tucker’s pickup line is the real tragedy of Blood Gulch—not the war, not the betrayals, but the fact that he’s still out there, swinging and missing, one “Bow Chicka” at a time.