Author: Maryjane Willms
Simmons is the guy who peaked in high school as the teacher’s pet and brought that energy to Blood Gulch. He’s Sarge’s loyal suck-up, always ready with a “Yes, sir!” and a spreadsheet to prove why he’s better than Grif. Spoiler: he’s not, but the effort’s adorable.
What’s wild is how he thrives in the chaos. While Grif naps and Sarge rants, Simmons is out there calculating the optimal angle to lose a war they’re not even fighting. He’s the brains of the Reds—if you can call kissing up to a lunatic “brains”—and his nerdy panic is comedy fuel. You can practically hear his anxiety meds rattling in his armor.
Best Simmons moment? When he tried to impress Sarge by turning himself into a cyborg. Overachiever much? In Blood Gulch, Simmons is proof that hard work doesn’t pay off—but it sure makes for a good laugh.